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Diary 17
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November 29, 2009

Diary 17 / 28-years-old / NYC
“I’ll take my first pill tomorrow. And I feel a bit like I’m tying my hope to a shape-shifting cloud, but I suppose sometimes the intangible is the closest to grounding available.”

The discussion around mental health has come a long way, and likely has a long way to go. Taking an antidepressant terrified me–and through years of chronic depression I tried most everything else. But the stress of my health became too much for Giovanni to bear, and he began accusing me of using depression as a way to not take care of myself, or of us. One should never have to encounter the threat of losing the support of a Most Important Person, but in my case it was the threat that made me take action. It seemed like a last-ditch effort, and probably was. But the year I spent taking a silly pill absolutely saved my life. Share this with anyone–on either side of the relationship–going through the same thing. Throwback Diary is for *these stories* more than anything. As the conversation continues to become more nuanced, I hope fewer and few people feel abandonment along their path.

November 29, 2009
November 29, 2009

pills
It was still a really hard decision, even as I agreed to begin. I used photography a lot during that year.

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Diary 2
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November 24, 1995

Diary 2 / 14-years-old / Ohio
It’s the first time I encounter death at an age when I understand it. I’m upset that a family cat was put to sleep, and I’m blaming my parents. Her name was Noel, and since Christmas is right around the corner, I’m seeing “Noel” written on just about everything. I’m also pretty bummed about being young. Go figure. šŸ™‚

November 24, 1995
November 24, 1995

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Diary 18
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November 16, 2010

Diary 18 / 29-years-old / NYC
Because my visits to see Giovanni have been so disastrous, I decide I won’t visit him as he works in Budapest. Which means a five-month separation. We’re not good together, we’re not good apart. So he takes a chance.

November 16, 2010 pg1
November 16, 2010 pg1

November 16, 2010 pg2
November 16, 2010 pg2
November 16, 2010 pg3
November 16, 2010 pg3
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Submissions
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TBD Submission: Alexa

This beautiful entry deserves to be read in full. Click the image to enlarge.

“Hello my names Alexa. I discovered throwback diary the beginning of September and it made my heart swell up with some form of awe. Here I was thinking I was crazy for being as enthralled with journaling as I am. I heard your stories and you captured so elegantly what I’ve always thought since I began journaling: we’re all the same creatures, we all have the same emotions, and we all need to stop feeling so isolated from one another. I agree that we could all use each other’s experiences and lessons to learn something ourselves. Our world is a community and we should treat each other as such.
Now on to my submission”

Alexa's entry: "I don't want someone to die to teach me the lesson
Alexa’s entry: “I don’t want someone to die to teach me the lesson that I don’t always need to push people away. That I can trust. That it’s okay.

~thank you, Alexa, for sharing so openly~

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Submissions
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TBD Submission: Johnny

This is great: Johnny and I have been “conversing” solely through YouTube comments.
screen-shot-2016-11-08-at-1-19-15-pmAnd now he’s made the brave step to journal-owner…and to submitter! I love the nod to potential snoopers. šŸ˜‰ And entries about dreams are the best ones to rediscover years later.

“Hello Caroline…I lack a means of taking a picture of my journal, I have no cell phone camera, or digital camera so I’ll just transcribe it here!

‘Nov. 5 2016
I had a dream the other night after watching a movie. It was about a sweet elderly homeless person named Mimi and her friendships with actors who came to the laundry mat to which she lived. (Queen Mimi, check it out who-might-be-snooping). One of the people she befriended was none other than Zach Galafinakis, who ended up footing the bill for her to live in a comfortable apartment not far from her favorite spot in the world, the laundry mat. In my dream, Zach hears that my cat, who had recently passed was ill and decided to foot the vet care needed to save him. I guess his kind heart sparked it in my brain that night, hoping some one would have come and helped save the day.

Funny thing though, I feel like he would have done it too. Great guy.'”

~thank you, Johnny~

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Diary 20
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November 10, 2015

Diary 20/ 34-years-old / NYC
Just one year ago. I compile a List of Anxieties. This is the only time, in going through my past 25 years of life, that I ever made a list. And what tops it? My singing cat. And my fear of releasing my life into the world through Throwback Diary…

November 10, 2015
The List of Anxieties

Strange the things I find whilst going back in time… This seems to be a different kind of List of Anxieties: Homework from a therapist I saw briefly in 2007 before meeting Joyce.

november 7
An assignment from my first therapist. A list of anxieties, too, really…

November 10

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Diary 11
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November 4, 2004

Diary 11 / 23-years-old / NYC
November! Down to the last two months…
It’s nearing the end of my first year in New York. While I’m struggling to get some artistic foot-hold, an invitation to a workshop production of “The Studio” from a dear college instructor–and a gorgeous and unexpected encounter with a great artist–teach me about focusing on life, first.

November 4, 2004 pg1
November 4, 2004 pg1

November 4, 2004 pg2
November 4, 2004 pg2
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Diary 17
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October 28, 2008

Diary 17 / 27-years-old / NYC
“Messages of infidelity and broken heart seem to bombard me from all directions.” It’s our first time living together after discovering Giovanni’s affair, and we’re having particularly difficult time connecting. Unknown at the time, it’s a bit of calm-before-storm; next up: the HVP/ cervical cancer diagnosis that makes all of our problems raw again.
Watch February 12, 2010: the cancer diagnosis

October 28, 2008 pg1
October 28, 2008 pg1
October 28, 2008 pg2
October 28, 2008 pg2
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