A response to the April 27 + 28 1996 entry. Shared with permission.
A bit of background: I believe I began to struggle with depression at age 13. At that time, I briefly saw my first therapist. This was preceded by years of anxiety in childhood. When I was in elementary school, I was treated for physical symptoms (stomach ache, fainting), but not the anxiety itself.
I wrote these entries when I was 16.
‘June 25, 2006
I feel like something is missing. Like it’s that absence that triggers my episodes. But I don’t know what it is. I’m desperate for something that is unknown even to me. I just want to find it, but I have no idea where to look.
‘June 26, 2006
Will S. died today in a car accident. We used to be friends when we were little. I’ve known him since we were five. Why did God choose him? He was depressed. Maybe God thought he deserved to be happy again. Where is he now? What is he thinking? Is he aware of what happened? Does he even know he’s dead? Is he in heaven with God?
I feel that missing thing again. I feel like I need to hold onto something or else I’ll fly off, disappear, something. I need to hold on to something until I can stop thinking. But I can’t sleep.
Today I needed to get away, so I got in the car and drove for about a half hour. Way out through the country. Finally I turned around and came home. Mom called and seemed really suspicious of me and my mood. I’ve been so weird lately. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel so unlike myself. I want it to go away.’
Caroline, thanks again for this project. I’m very moved by it.
~thank you, Madeline. I, and others, are very moved by your contribution~